Friday, February 25, 2011

Forecast Your Face

I'm pissed, and not for the first time.  I was promised snow, dammit, EPIC fucking levels of snow.  First, the meteorologists said it was going to hit Wednesday, but then the cold front was moving so slowly they said it would hit us overnight on Thursday.  This turned out to be true.  HOWEVER, when I looked out my front door Thursday morning, after finding out all the schools had closed and hoping fervently that I could justify calling out from work, do you think this is what I saw?
Holy snow!

Or do you think I saw this:

I'll give you two guesses, and the first one doesn't count.

The first picture is the view after opening my door in December 2008, during one of the biggest snowstorms we've ever had during my lifetime (we don't get a lot of snow here.  Rain? Yes. Snow? No.).  The second picture is my front stoop Thursday morning.  AFTER they closed all the area schools.  What you see is less than one inch, and that's at my house in the East Valley.  Closer in, it looked like this:

Wait, no. Sorry. That's 2008 again.

Yeah.  Fear the frigidity.
I went into work, of course, thinking it would keep snowing (as the fuckers promised me it would) and I could leave early once it started to look like a justifiable reason to be home in my jammies.  And then the shit all melted.  It snowed several times during the day, with nothing to show at the end, and I got home and what do you think I found here? The 1/2" still on the ground, and the newspeople still flipping out about it.  Assholes.

It just seems even more ridiculous (because they do this every year) after the epic blizzards that stormed the rest of the country this winter. I mean, fucking Texas was snowed out.  And they're still gonna make a big deal about 1/2" of sticking snow?  I'm done with you, meterologists of the PNW.  You're dead to me.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

A Simple Slice of Toast

I sit here today having just eaten a single slice of toast - and I'm regretting it.

You see, over the past few months I think I've narrowed down the cause of my frequently rumbly tum - and it's wheat.
Yes, it looks innocent enough, but beware - it is a thing of the devil!
Now I know that this may resonate with more than one of you here, since I recently had a conversation on Twitter with a few others about it. I was shocked to find how widespread an intolerance to wheat actually is.

I don't think it's gluten per se that's the problem. I just think it's wheat - or anything containing wheat for that matter. Slowly but surely, I've tried to eliminate it from my diet and I do believe that I've been proven right. But that doesn't make it any easier to handle... I mean, look at the list of foodstuffs I should be avoiding:
  • wheat, wheat berries, wheat bran, wheat germ, wheat grass or any form of the word wheat
  • flour, bread, cakes and cookies
  • semolina, pasta, couscous, tabbouleh
  • doughnuts, pies, pretzels and other baked goods
  • gnocchi, chow mein
  • snack foods
  • soups, gravies and thickened sauces
  • breaded meats or vegetables, dumplings or meatballs (no fried chicken for me!)
  • salad dressings, Worcesteshire sauce and other condiments
  • beer (say what???)
Recently, I happened to mention my discovery to my GP, in the hope that he might be able to suggest a cure (stop sniggering). He launched into this big spiel of how I would need to go back to eating wheat for about six weeks before having a rather invasive test (yeeuuuww!) and then explained that - should the test prove positive - it would indicate that I am, in fact, wheat intolerant (no shit Sherlock!). When I then asked what the treatment would be, he looked down nervously at his prescription pad and mumbled something about 'diet'.

So, let me get this straight. First you want to make me eat wheat-laden foods which I happen to know will have me in agony for the next six weeks. Then you plan to poke about in places I care not to mention in order to get a 'sample' (yeeuuuww again!). And finally, if all of your torture proves my self-diagnosis correct, the only thing you're going to suggest is that I don't eat wheat? Um, hello? Isn't that what I'm doing already? - Um, yes. Would you like me to book your test?
Errr, that would be a resounding "No!"
Needless to say I have declined to be tested. What's the point? And in the meantime, if I feel the urge to eat the odd slice of toast (when I really, really crave some comfort food), I'll do it with my eyes wide open to the fact that I will - indeed - probably regret it once it's been devoured. Oh, and I'll make sure there's a bathroom close by to deal with the aftermath.

Apologies for giving you TMI there... ;-)

This post was brought to you from the UK by CC x

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Don't Bank Like A Douche

Gather 'round children.  LwE is going to rant now and through it, you all may learn a thing or two.  Today, we are going to learn how to not bank like a douche.

Some of you know that I am a bank teller.  Others of you believe that I am a bounty hunter.  The first is true.  The second is the job I do in my imagination while I'm bank tellering and can't deal with all the doucheyness anymore.  So I'm going to complain about my most douchey banking pet peeves.  If you find that you are guilty of any of the banking douche-isms that I tell you about today, stop it! Immediately!  Or I will smack you upside your head.

#1. I am a bank teller, not your secretary.  No I can't photocopy your check, I will not fax your tax info to your accountant, I will not print anything you want on bank letter head with my teller stamp on it, and for the love of all that is holy, there is no friggin reason you should not be able to fill out your own deposit or withdrawal slip.  You really think it's that hard?  Here's a tip.  Where it says "Name" that's where you put your name.  If you are confused as to where to put your account number, it goes where it says "account number".  If this is confusing to you, then I suggest you get a Power of Attorny to handle your finances because if something that trivial is that complex to you then you are probably more suited for sitting in the corner with a coloring book than to make any decions regarding financial responsibility.

#2. This is not an acceptable way to present cash for deposit.

We at the bank do not have the cure for spina bifida so please don't subject your cash, deposit slips, withdrawal slips, or checks with the disease.  If you like crumpling paper so much, take up origami.

#3. If you want money and I ask for your ID, do not scoff at me and tell me how long you have been with the bank.  I don't give a rat's ass how long your accounts have been open. If I don't know you personally and you are taking money from your account or cashing a check, I need to know that you are who you say you are.  Fraud is a real thing and it happens to LOTS and LOTS of people.  I'm trying to protect YOUR money, sorry if that offends you.  Next time someone comes in claiming they are you and want to clean out your accounts I will remember your preferences and give them what they ask for with out question.  Does that suit you better, you douche?

#4.  If you walk in the bank, then stand waiting in the line, and then when you are called to the counter start to rummage through your pockets or purse for your deposit or checks to cash, then take forever to find them, unfold your poor spina bifida inflicted cash or documents, then ask for a pen to sign your checks and fill out your slips, you my friend, are a douche.  There is a special counter set up just for preparing your banking transactions.  It is such a magical place to visit because when you use it, it magicaly makes me want to punch you less.  The same thing goes for the drive up line.  If you have to wait for other cars in front of you, get your crap ready while waiting before you pull up.  Not rocket science.

#5. If you come to the drive up and you have no slips, no pen, nothing signed or filled out, then the drive up is not for you.  Get your ass inside and use the magical don't punch me counter and stop being a douche to the people behind you.  I find that people who complain about slow people in front of them are the most guilty of this douche-ism.  It's called karma, bitch.

#6. If your account is overdrawn, I did not spend your money and am not responsible for any monitary loss on your end.  Don't look at me all puzzled, demanding to know where your money went.  It's not my fault you can't do simple math or don't keep a check register because you point to your head and claim "It's all up here". 

#7. If your account is charged fees that you don't know about, 99% of the time it is your fault, not the banks.  Everyone knows that all banks charge fees and it is your resposibility to learn what the features of your account are.  Don't come screaming to me that you didn't know you had to keep a two hundred dollar minimum balance and you want your  two dollars back because no one ever told you about that rule.  Ask quesions about your account and how it works.  Suprisingly, we are happy to answer questions like this because it leaves you educated and makes you a better customer to deal with.  It's your money.  Don't you want to know how to keep it yours and not the banks'. 

#8. Don't get mad at me if I will not let you cash a check that is not made out to you, even if the payee signed the back.  I have no way of knowing if that person really did sign it, now do I?  The check says "Pay to the order of...". If your name isn't there, than that is not your check. I can again use the scenario where I agree to cash any check made out to you that is presented by anyone but you. 

#9. If you are cashing a check, do not fill out a deposit slip.  I will deposit your check if you do that, hence the term deposit slip.

#10. If you deposit a check for twenty thousand dollars that is not drawn on the bank you are depositing it into and want it available right away, you are a douche.  This is also true for wanting to cash checks of a substantial amount.  If you expect the banking system to work in a way that we give out large sums of instant cash on the honor system and don't use a check clearing process, this may be you:

#11. If the lights on the drive up are red and the bank door is locked, then yes, the bank is closed.  Knocking on the door and shouting through the glass "Are you open?" will not magically change our business hours.

#12. Do not call the bank to ask if we have a way of finding out if you have cashed a savings bond that you happen to have sitting right in front of you. <---true story.

#13. When presenting ID for a cash back transaction, a piece of paper with your account number written on it is not an acceptable form of ID.  Neither is your Sam's Club membership card.

#14. When presenting ID at the drive up and you are the driver of the vehicle and your ID is not a driver's license but just a state ID card, it scares the shit out of me.  Why the hell are you driving?!!

#15. Don't steal my pen!!

#16. Do not staple your cash and/or checks to your deposit slip.  This makes you an automatic douche.

#17. If you have a check that was made out to you and someone else, and you forge that other person's signature RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, don't get angry at me for not cashing the check.  Be angry at yourself for being a douche.

#18. Do not give me a certificate of store credit to Old Navy and try to cash it like a check. <-----again, sad, but very true story.

#19. When using the drive up, please do not close your car window and turn up your music after you have sent in your transaction.  This makes getting your attention impossible and holds the line up when I'm trying to tell you of the stupid mistake you made on your slip and can't do what you want. 

#20. If you are on your cell phone and approach my counter and hand me your transaction, and there is a problem with it or I have to ask you a question about what you want, do not shush me because you are on a call and can not be bothered.  It just so happens that I can not be bothered with you doucheyness.  Hang up before doing your banking.

That's all for now.  There are many more believe me, but I will save them for another time when my douche patience has once again worn thin.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Thankgawd For This Blog

Seriously, thankgawd I have a place to come [aside from twitter] to bitch and whine. Speaking of wine, I have had 3 small glasses thank you very much. Technically, the grand scheme of things. But who's counting?

Anyhoo, I had a shitty day. I got to work, optimistic as ever, cheery as a cheerio [are they cheery? Fuck if I know] and my day is moving along great...until a restaurant we work with eff'd up. I had a VERY important client meeting booked in their private room. Low and behold they double booked the room. Really? I called to confirm the date was a go, I changed the status to definite when I sent out t-holds, I even sent you the damn BEO. 2 hours later and 3 days prior to the event, you decide to tell me the girl that is recently "no longer with you," booked something while I had it on hold... AND she failed to mention this when I called to confirm it was a go. I have a signed contract with my client... FUCK YOU. Ok fine, I get it. I know people mess up. But today? When I was feeling all confident and smooth...when I was thinking this week was under control. When I was all stoked for to see Mr. MOS on Sat, when I was excited about my birthday, even though I have to work late and can't do anything fun... You made me look like an ASS. And, after my boss argued with you for a good 20 minutes, you still decide to keep the group of 20 that was booked AFTER my group... You do this even after you called us months ago bitching and whining because you don't get enough business. Times WERE tough asshole, but business is picking up now and this is when you decide to screw us over?!? Lovely. See if you get more business from us.

I'm about ready to. scare me Ronald.

Thankfully the problem was solved.... But guess what...about an hour after said problem was solved, I started to get that feeling you get BEFORE you get a sore throat. You know the one? Where you gland on one side feels a little off, then starts to feel like a tiny rock, then starts to feel a bit swollen. YUP. Damn you germs!

Yah, I'm talking to you.

I am dead serious when I say that I have not had the flu since1999. Now I consider the flu to be in bed, fever, feel like you're dying kind of illness. Some people consider it a cold. Waah, get over yourselves. Sure I have had sore throats (that seems to be a recurring symptom when I'm sick) and I have had colds and coughs...but that's it. In fact, the last time I had a cold was over a year ago. True fact. I did have a minor stomach flu about 8 mos puking though!

Anyhoo, it's just a very very minor sore throat. It could be nothing. It could be gone in the morning. I could have give RPattz too much head....BUT SERIOUSLY, I CANNOT GET SICK RIGHT NOW. Why not?

1. I have a huge, expensive event at the Hard Rock Hotel on Thursday night. Along with about 10 other minor dinners Wed & Thurs night (stuff I have booked)

2. My birthday is Wednesday.

3. 100 Monkeys is Sat.

In regards to #3, I'd have to be practically dying to not go. Trust. I figure IF I am getting sick, I should be on the upswing by Sat right?

I better.

Ok, I feel better, sorta.


Friday, February 11, 2011

Big Brother is Alive and Well!

Well, there's no way I can top TwiKiwi50's post - especially since mine is NOT going to have a happy ending. However, in the spirit of true whining, I hope you'll join me on this journey...

This past week has been a bit of a pain in the proverbials, to be honest. It kind of all started when I had three days off work at the beginning of the month due to a chest infection, and then spent all of last Friday catching up on unread emails and jobs that needed doing in the office. At the time I thought nothing of the fact that my internet connection was acting suspiciously...

Okay, so this is NOT what I want to see...

This week, however, it intrigued me. On Monday morning I arrived at work, logged on, checked urgent emails and diary appointments, then turned to my second PC and clicked the normal buttons that allow me to circumnavigate the firewall (required behaviour, if you don't want everything you do to be monitored by our rather dubious Security Manager). I then launched Internet Explorer (yes, we're quite traditional where I work) and clicked on my Google icon. Result: Nothing. Nada. Zilch. It simply would not load.

Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth from my side of the office...

Why the f*ck can't I get logged on? I need to check my Twittah Feed!

On Tuesday, I tried again. With the same result...

On Wednesday we had a team meeting. Item 3 on the agenda was an update from the Systems team (I work in Applications...). "So," our manager announces. "Marshall has successfully been replaced by Bloxx and will be used company-wide from now on. Marshall is being decommissioned today."

What? WHAT?!!! Why wasn't I given any notice??? (For those of you who may not know: Marshall and Bloxx are super-strength web-filtering options adopted by companies to protect them from virus attacks and inappropriate surfing.)

Now, I may not be the most important person in our office (far from it!), but I had at least hoped I'd be given the opportunity to prepare myself for this gross infringement of my human rights. I mean, how else am I supposed to check on my watched blogs, update my own blog (and this one!) and generally participate in the fandom / twitterverse if I Can't. Bloody. Get. Online???

To cut a long, frustrated story short, my surfing habits at work have now been drastically curtailed. I quickly check my emails, log on to Seesmic [hehehe, they haven't yet realised that I can still access Twitter via a web client :-) ] and that's about the size of it. All blogs are blocked (b*st*rds!) and I can't even contemplate accessing Tumblr, given some of the accounts I follow.... All of my movements are logged. Frankly, it sucks, big time.

God. There are times I wish I was a cat. Even a LolCat.

Thank you so much for listening. Please don't hold it against me if I don't reply to your comment immediately. It'll only be because I don't have the freedom to do so...

This post was brought to you from the UK by CC x

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

An ignorant colleague and an amazing group of women

This started off as a class A whine, about eight hours ago. And then it morphed into something massive. No need for preamble, I'll just get on with it.

This morning I send this email to as many twitards as I could immediately access email addresses for. [Side note: if I didn't email you and I have your address, I feel bad. Take a ticket and queue up to whine...]

From: TwiKiwi50
To: [many]
Subject: OMFG

I had a minor freak out this morning and I just need to share, mkay? So, yesterday I set the Robtastic WFE poster as my wallpaper on my work computer. I tend to keep all things twi on the DL at work, so this was kinda big for me.

This morning, my new team member, who doesn't know me very well yet (apart from the fact that I'm a fuckawesome boss) says to me "who's that then?" as she wanders by nonchalantely. Let me take a step back - she just moved to NZ from London where she lived in the city and worked in a major hospital.

So I'm all "it's Rob, everyone's favourite vampire. I kinda have a little thing for him" LIES LIES LIES it's a full blown obsession... but anyway...

She then proceeds to tell me that she used to work with Marcus Foster's mother, who invited her out to Ivy one night to hear a band, casually mentioning that Marcus and Rob were gonna be there. Here's the crusher:


WTMFF people???? So yeah, I picked my jaw up off the floor, and tried to calm my heartrate.

I am SO two degrees from Rob now, right? Shame I'm on the other side of the fucking world.

Are you wondering who Marcus Foster is right now? As 17foreverLisa will have you know, he's a Brit-pack member, BFFs with Rob, Sam, Tom et al. He's a pic I just stole:

Thanks, Robsessed
So, here I am, feeling pretty fucking deflated. She didn't even seem to GET that this was a big deal. I'm torn though, don't wanna out myself too much at this early stage in our working relationship. Sure, she'll know more when I've been to the US for four weeks and talk about what I did, but right now, needed to reign in the hysteria.

Here's the cool part. I then spent the best part of the next five hours LAUGHING MY ARSE OFF at the email comments. As I type, there have been something like 68 replies. Many irrelevant to the original topic (Garden hoes, LKW & JJ?) but what follows are some selected highlights.

This is a PERFECT example of why I love my twitard family so much. You made me happy throughout an otherwise fuckawful boring work day.

Jaymes805 - "Fire her immediately".

TwiLoveSue - "I say kill her, assume her identity, and then fly back to London to see what you can do to salvage the situation :) Thanks for sharing!"

17foreverLisa - "Hold up, people. She STILL knows Marcus Foster's mother. This could STILL be useful. She's bound to visit London and need to take her new BFF with her, right?!!"

CougarChloe - "I am shocked, disgusted and jealous, all at the same time. Oh. Fuck. My head / heart don't even know which way to turn right now. Gah! How DARE she have lived in London - and worked in those circles - and NOT taken advantage? She clearly doesn't have a single usable brain cell and ought to be annihilated forthwith."

LatchKeyWife - "So... how did you not punch that dumb bitch in the throat for being so incredibly stupid. STUPID! I mean to be soooo close, and yet so FAR away! She doesn't deserve to even ever look at a picture of Rob. I think most of us would probably sell a fucking kidney to get that close to that beautiful little shit. I know I would. Fuck, I'd sell 'em both."

Me - IKR?? She's lucky to be alive. I keep thinking - I lived in London for 3 fucking years. At the same time as Rob. Shame I had no idea..... I left in 2006. A little premature [twss].

LivingWEdward - "She's a lesbian."

Smitten - "She didn't go?! Seriously? I just don't get it. At. All. Did you hire a crazy person? OMG you guys killed me with your comments! LMAO."

JennyJerkface - "I am snorting all over the place. Guy next to me looks frightened as hell.  These comments are freaking PRICELESS, people. Seriously. Oh, and you should fire her. Just Sayin..."

MusingBella - "Now, I'm cracking up (as usual) from all the hilarious commentary here. I agree with those who support taking advantage. At the VERY LEAST, she could get you autographs and memorabilia! I'd make sure you bring it up in her first review. Or, you know, kill her for being a dumb bitch. ;)"

LatchKeyWife - "I'm still fuming over the pure stupidity of TwiKiwi's coworker. I often berate myself for not making a set stalking trip to NYC when he was filming Remember Me! Although chances are, I would've ended up being arrested for attempted kidnapping."

DangrDafne - "The guy who drove us in Italy last year, his best friend was the driver for Rob once during New Moon filming. He had no idea why all the women were screaming and attacking the van LOL!!!"

ZAnyMouse - "Omg, all your comments are just killing me!  Before you fire her ass for being incompetent and not opportunistic, we should all get Marcus Foster masks and do a flash mob dance outside of her office.  Ladies, get your flannel ready…"

LuvsMeSumEdward - "So I think we can all agree that bitch is dumb for not going when given the chance of a lifetime to be in such close proximity to the pretty!"

Mrs P - "Sorry I'm late to this party but I was busy banging Marcus Foster's mother's laundry basket. I took one for the team."

LivingWEdward - "Mrs P, british people don't use laundry baskets. I'm pretty sure they don't even wash their clothes.  Have you learned nothing from Rob?"

Me - What have I created with these emails? "You're ALIVE!" .... jeez. You bitches have kept me entertained for a good four hours of my work day with these shenanigans. Mrs P - laundry basket - laughing so hard that said offending team member asked me what was up. If only she knew.

JennyJerkface - "TwiKiwi - just tell the coworker the truth. There is now a 54+ comment email chain about her and she's managed to keep women all over the world immensely entertained. Actually, never mind. Don't do that."

[Sorry about the rainbow that just threw up in here. I had to differentiate, people]

Seriously. You couldn't write better comedy! I really hope this isn't turning into an "I guess you had to be there" story... sorry if it is!

In the midst, Lisa offers this lil' gem. Let's take a moment to appreciate:

There are no words.

Wipe off your drool and come back to me now. In closing, I have some awards to offer:

All time best comment of the day goes to LivingWEdward for "She's a lesbian". Gigglesnort.

Second best comment of the day: Mrs P - laundry basket. There's a Demanda shoutout in there somewhere.

Most snort-your-tea-out-your-nose brilliant suggestion goes to ZAnyMouse for the flashmob suggestion. I'll get to work on the masks right away.

And finally, most ridiculously irrelevant to the original point but wonderful none the less comment goes to TexasKatherine, directed to LKW and JJ for their misuse of grammar: "Holy lord, are either of you 2 familiar with the English language? Please use some lube next time you want to anal rape grammar that way."


Aaaand, that is all. So yeah, started with a whine, ended with a belly laugh. I flove you guys.

Here's some Marcus & Sam for your watching pleasure. Yep, I'm still not sure which is which. Don't tell Lisa I said that.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

I Went for a Walk Today and Found...

So today is really nice out, and by "really nice" I mean it's not snowing or sleeting, and the heavens are not throwing ice spears at me. Sad what passes for nice weather this time of year but the sun also made a brief appearance. I do miss the sun.

Not to mention it's actually above freezing, the temperature is sitting pretty at 45 degrees. It's not 70, but it's not 20 either, so I'll take it. By the way I hate that anything above 40 now seems warm to me. Of course due to said temperature, the trees are dropping lots of ice from their branches, but I think if I wear a hard hat when I venture outdoors, I'll be ok.

What goes through the mind of a crazy exercise fanatic on a day like this? Go for a walk-outside-of course! (Note: I'm not really an exercise fanatic, per se, but who in their right mind thinks to exercise outside in the middle of winter but exercise fanatics? Right?) So I headed out down my street. Lovely...

In case I didn't mention, I live in the woods, at the end of a dead end road, surrounded by farmlands. I like the privacy, and it's really peacful, yet only ten minutes from civilization and thirty from Baltimore. I really like it, most of the time, which brings me to what's got me all worked up today. Well, halfway through that lovely walk, down my dead end road, I was greeted by this...

WTF? Who dumps a disgusting old mattress on the side of the road? Seriously? And if they went through all the trouble of loading said disgusting mattress onto a truck, or more likely the roof of a beat up old car, why not drive the extra ten minutes to dispose of it properly... in the freaking dump? There really is a dump within ten minutes, I promise. It just baffles me, truly baffling. I guess my privacy is another's illegal dumping ground. Great!

Naturally on my way back I had to stop for a photo. And as I click away, burning this moment forever into my brain, what do I think about? What if said mattress is hiding something, like say a dead fucking body? I really am a bit disturbed.