Tuesday, February 8, 2011

An ignorant colleague and an amazing group of women

This started off as a class A whine, about eight hours ago. And then it morphed into something massive. No need for preamble, I'll just get on with it.

This morning I send this email to as many twitards as I could immediately access email addresses for. [Side note: if I didn't email you and I have your address, I feel bad. Take a ticket and queue up to whine...]

From: TwiKiwi50
To: [many]
Subject: OMFG

I had a minor freak out this morning and I just need to share, mkay? So, yesterday I set the Robtastic WFE poster as my wallpaper on my work computer. I tend to keep all things twi on the DL at work, so this was kinda big for me.

This morning, my new team member, who doesn't know me very well yet (apart from the fact that I'm a fuckawesome boss) says to me "who's that then?" as she wanders by nonchalantely. Let me take a step back - she just moved to NZ from London where she lived in the city and worked in a major hospital.

So I'm all "it's Rob, everyone's favourite vampire. I kinda have a little thing for him" LIES LIES LIES it's a full blown obsession... but anyway...

She then proceeds to tell me that she used to work with Marcus Foster's mother, who invited her out to Ivy one night to hear a band, casually mentioning that Marcus and Rob were gonna be there. Here's the crusher:


WTMFF people???? So yeah, I picked my jaw up off the floor, and tried to calm my heartrate.

I am SO two degrees from Rob now, right? Shame I'm on the other side of the fucking world.

Are you wondering who Marcus Foster is right now? As 17foreverLisa will have you know, he's a Brit-pack member, BFFs with Rob, Sam, Tom et al. He's a pic I just stole:

Thanks, Robsessed
So, here I am, feeling pretty fucking deflated. She didn't even seem to GET that this was a big deal. I'm torn though, don't wanna out myself too much at this early stage in our working relationship. Sure, she'll know more when I've been to the US for four weeks and talk about what I did, but right now, needed to reign in the hysteria.

Here's the cool part. I then spent the best part of the next five hours LAUGHING MY ARSE OFF at the email comments. As I type, there have been something like 68 replies. Many irrelevant to the original topic (Garden hoes, LKW & JJ?) but what follows are some selected highlights.

This is a PERFECT example of why I love my twitard family so much. You made me happy throughout an otherwise fuckawful boring work day.

Jaymes805 - "Fire her immediately".

TwiLoveSue - "I say kill her, assume her identity, and then fly back to London to see what you can do to salvage the situation :) Thanks for sharing!"

17foreverLisa - "Hold up, people. She STILL knows Marcus Foster's mother. This could STILL be useful. She's bound to visit London and need to take her new BFF with her, right?!!"

CougarChloe - "I am shocked, disgusted and jealous, all at the same time. Oh. Fuck. My head / heart don't even know which way to turn right now. Gah! How DARE she have lived in London - and worked in those circles - and NOT taken advantage? She clearly doesn't have a single usable brain cell and ought to be annihilated forthwith."

LatchKeyWife - "So... how did you not punch that dumb bitch in the throat for being so incredibly stupid. STUPID! I mean to be soooo close, and yet so FAR away! She doesn't deserve to even ever look at a picture of Rob. I think most of us would probably sell a fucking kidney to get that close to that beautiful little shit. I know I would. Fuck, I'd sell 'em both."

Me - IKR?? She's lucky to be alive. I keep thinking - I lived in London for 3 fucking years. At the same time as Rob. Shame I had no idea..... I left in 2006. A little premature [twss].

LivingWEdward - "She's a lesbian."

Smitten - "She didn't go?! Seriously? I just don't get it. At. All. Did you hire a crazy person? OMG you guys killed me with your comments! LMAO."

JennyJerkface - "I am snorting all over the place. Guy next to me looks frightened as hell.  These comments are freaking PRICELESS, people. Seriously. Oh, and you should fire her. Just Sayin..."

MusingBella - "Now, I'm cracking up (as usual) from all the hilarious commentary here. I agree with those who support taking advantage. At the VERY LEAST, she could get you autographs and memorabilia! I'd make sure you bring it up in her first review. Or, you know, kill her for being a dumb bitch. ;)"

LatchKeyWife - "I'm still fuming over the pure stupidity of TwiKiwi's coworker. I often berate myself for not making a set stalking trip to NYC when he was filming Remember Me! Although chances are, I would've ended up being arrested for attempted kidnapping."

DangrDafne - "The guy who drove us in Italy last year, his best friend was the driver for Rob once during New Moon filming. He had no idea why all the women were screaming and attacking the van LOL!!!"

ZAnyMouse - "Omg, all your comments are just killing me!  Before you fire her ass for being incompetent and not opportunistic, we should all get Marcus Foster masks and do a flash mob dance outside of her office.  Ladies, get your flannel ready…"

LuvsMeSumEdward - "So I think we can all agree that bitch is dumb for not going when given the chance of a lifetime to be in such close proximity to the pretty!"

Mrs P - "Sorry I'm late to this party but I was busy banging Marcus Foster's mother's laundry basket. I took one for the team."

LivingWEdward - "Mrs P, british people don't use laundry baskets. I'm pretty sure they don't even wash their clothes.  Have you learned nothing from Rob?"

Me - What have I created with these emails? "You're ALIVE!" .... jeez. You bitches have kept me entertained for a good four hours of my work day with these shenanigans. Mrs P - laundry basket - laughing so hard that said offending team member asked me what was up. If only she knew.

JennyJerkface - "TwiKiwi - just tell the coworker the truth. There is now a 54+ comment email chain about her and she's managed to keep women all over the world immensely entertained. Actually, never mind. Don't do that."

[Sorry about the rainbow that just threw up in here. I had to differentiate, people]

Seriously. You couldn't write better comedy! I really hope this isn't turning into an "I guess you had to be there" story... sorry if it is!

In the midst, Lisa offers this lil' gem. Let's take a moment to appreciate:

There are no words.

Wipe off your drool and come back to me now. In closing, I have some awards to offer:

All time best comment of the day goes to LivingWEdward for "She's a lesbian". Gigglesnort.

Second best comment of the day: Mrs P - laundry basket. There's a Demanda shoutout in there somewhere.

Most snort-your-tea-out-your-nose brilliant suggestion goes to ZAnyMouse for the flashmob suggestion. I'll get to work on the masks right away.

And finally, most ridiculously irrelevant to the original point but wonderful none the less comment goes to TexasKatherine, directed to LKW and JJ for their misuse of grammar: "Holy lord, are either of you 2 familiar with the English language? Please use some lube next time you want to anal rape grammar that way."


Aaaand, that is all. So yeah, started with a whine, ended with a belly laugh. I flove you guys.

Here's some Marcus & Sam for your watching pleasure. Yep, I'm still not sure which is which. Don't tell Lisa I said that.


  1. Had to comment so I could subscribe. I welcome your suggestions about my crazy colleague!

  2. i'm lovin TwiLoveSue's suggestion! i say you do that and bring us all with you! your new coworker is an idiot!

    the pic! the pic! i'm tempted to hump my computer screen! i want to say lots and lots of dirty thing about it! how does an innocent pic make you go into a frenzy where you want to hump a pic?

    that pic is a dick tease. you can see it but you can't get near it!

  3. This email chain killed me. I was alternately LOL'ing and grabbing my head due to the sinus pain brought on by the laughter. Normally the only time I login to 25+ emails is when I return to work after holiday, I opened up gmail and was thinking WTF did I miss?!

    I maintain that she must be crazy. Or an idiot. Or a lesbian. (maybe a crazy idiot lesbian) Those are the only possible excuses. Wait, there are no excuses, it's just not acceptable.

    I'm still giggling my ass off over the thought of a Brit Pack flash mob dance!! Maybe someone should plan it for Forks. The least those h00rs could do is entertain those of us who can't go!!


  4. LMAO - I think Marcus is the one on the left... *crosses fingers and looks hopefully at Lisa*
    I love the flash mob dance idea, I'm completely on board with that. And seriously, make her get you an autograph! Tell her it's for your tween niece or something, if you don't want to out yourself (to which I can relate).

    I love this online community. Oh, and there's little LwE can say that doesn't usually crack me up... j/s.

  5. Aaand then I watched the video and they moved around. The pink shirt is the one I meant. To the left at the very beginning.

  6. Dude seriously, how did she NOT go?!?!? Does she not know who Rpattz is?! DOES SHE NOT HAVE EYES????????

    Sorry, rant over.

  7. LMAO!!!! I am so glad I got to be a part of this all and holy moly you ladies are hilarious. There is no way you could not have a smile or tears of laughter by the time you get through some of the comments you all make. LOL!!! Love it!

  8. I still maintain that your new co-worker needs to have a brain transplant. For God's sake! I'm only 25 miles from central London - is there anything I can do? ;-)

    I LOVED the email chain - and thank you for including me! I felt - validated :-) Isn't it lovely that our whines can turn into belly-laughs at the touch of a button? (OK, so that sounds totally suspect - it's NOT what you think...)

    In terms of the vid: nice an' all that, but Rob sings it so much more plaintively - and therefore true to the lyrics. I'm biased, I know. Bite me :-D


    CC x

  9. Hahaha, @ TK's comment!!

    I seem to be the only one out of the email loop, not that I mind or anything. I'm just sayin'. In any case, JJ has it right - you should tell your colleague that her stupidity entertained women all over the globe. :D

  10. Oh for the love of fuck. I am once again snortling about this shit.

    You ladies rule my world. The end.

  11. Why did I not check this sooner? I won an award! That's amazing. I rarely win stuff! Yay.

    I would like to thank the academy.

  12. How have I not already posted on this? I read it a while ago. Sorry. Fail.

    Please include me on these emails next time! I can't get enough of yall. xoxo.