Saturday, October 29, 2011

Don't Date Like a Douche, either (version 1)

Hey peeps - I've titled this post "version 1" because I am POSITIVE there will be additional posts, perhaps even by others of you (TwiKiwi50, I'm pretty sure you probably have some things to contribute) on this topic.

Many (if not most) of you are aware I have jumped feet-first back into dating in recent weeks. I signed up on  I signed up on eharmony, too, and cancelled that shit ASAP because that place is weird.  More on that some other time.  So, I was "winked at" and e-mailed by a few guys on match, and I have now been out three times: two first dates, one second date.  I'm here now to do my civic duty and help others to not make the douchey mistakes these guys made (LwE, I bet at least one of them banks like a douche on a regular basis, too).

#1 - If you're over 30 and your Mom made your Halloween costume, don't tell your date that.

#2 - Especially if it's a full-body snow leopard costume.  (Refer to #1)

#3 - if you're dressing up for Halloween in a full-body snow leopard costume your Mom made for you (and you're over 30) just to hand out Halloween candy at your parents' house, and your date tells you she doesn't have Halloween plans, the proper response is not, "Well, that's just sad."  In this situation, she is not the sad one.

#3 - Don't try to surprise your date on the second date.  That gimmicky sketch comedy show a coworker told you about is not the right place to take your date when she was a theater major and knows most of the theatrical/acting community in town (and has never heard of the show or the people in it - not good).  You might be forgiven because you didn't know that about her (it being only your second date), but that's exactly why you shouldn't try to surprise her: the second date is not the right time to try to guess what a person you don't know might like.  You're probably going to be wrong.

#4 - When your date orders a drink - no matter what it is - don't lean weirdly over the table and say, "Every woman I know loves that drink. Why?" in an accusatory tone. I am not here to speak on behalf of my gender, and I'm pretty sure the only thing we truly all have in common are our vaginas.  Sit back in your chair and say to yourself, "Don't be a chauvinist on the first date."  Say it silently.

#5 - When your date uses a "big word," try to restrain yourself from saying, "There's a 50 cent word," every time. Maybe don't even say it the one time.  Just stop it. 

#6 - Don't ask your date the same question three different ways over the course of an hour.  "Tell me about yourself," "How would you describe yourself?" and "What do I need to know about you?" are - first of all - real conversation-starters, so good job on that, but also - secondly - don't make it seem like you remember my profile (which I know you viewed today, thanks to match/BigBrother) or any of our 5-6 exchanged e-mails in which you found out a lot about me beforehand.  Also, it's just obnoxious.

I think that's good for a start. I am sure I'll have more... probably a lot more.  Any to add, ladies?  I know there are more bad-date stories out there than we have room to blog about on here, lay 'em on us in the comments (or feel free to write your own post)!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

McFlurry Madness!

Ooh. I am SO angry right now.

As you may remember from a previous rant, I loves me a McFlurry.

I had a shitty day today. Work was... alright, until after lunch. I had some pretty intense chest tightness... long story short, afternoon at the doctor's surgery, ECG, blood tests... I'm fine, but boy am I tired tonight.

I just had to pop down to the supermarket for a couple of things, and I thought that I'd spoil myself on the way home with a McFlurry. Here's where the anger starts.

I roll up to the drive thru window and am handed this:

When really, it shoulda looked more like this:

Oh my god, I can't believe I'm ranting on the internet about ice cream. Anyway. Let me move on.


I asked them why they hadn't whizzed my McFlurry, and the girl said to me that they never had. She didn't appear to know what I was talking about. I put this down to WHAT THE HELL, I CALL BULLSHIT and asked for my $3.60 back, thanks very much.

On a crusade now, I zoomed down to the next McDonalds, 3 minutes down the road. Again, I ordered a McFlurry. This time I asked the dude if they whizzed them still, and HE SAID NO. Apparently, people complained about the whizzing!

Here's the thing. In my book, if it's whizzed, it's a McFlurry. If it's ice cream with whole M&M's on top, it's ice cream with whole M&M's on top. And that does not cut it with me.

Right. Rant over. No more McFlurries for me, and that makes me sad. Please tell me this is not the case world wide? Cos if it is, I haz a sad.

I'll just slink off to bed with my antacids now and pipe down. Boo hoo.