Saturday, October 29, 2011

Don't Date Like a Douche, either (version 1)

Hey peeps - I've titled this post "version 1" because I am POSITIVE there will be additional posts, perhaps even by others of you (TwiKiwi50, I'm pretty sure you probably have some things to contribute) on this topic.

Many (if not most) of you are aware I have jumped feet-first back into dating in recent weeks. I signed up on  I signed up on eharmony, too, and cancelled that shit ASAP because that place is weird.  More on that some other time.  So, I was "winked at" and e-mailed by a few guys on match, and I have now been out three times: two first dates, one second date.  I'm here now to do my civic duty and help others to not make the douchey mistakes these guys made (LwE, I bet at least one of them banks like a douche on a regular basis, too).

#1 - If you're over 30 and your Mom made your Halloween costume, don't tell your date that.

#2 - Especially if it's a full-body snow leopard costume.  (Refer to #1)

#3 - if you're dressing up for Halloween in a full-body snow leopard costume your Mom made for you (and you're over 30) just to hand out Halloween candy at your parents' house, and your date tells you she doesn't have Halloween plans, the proper response is not, "Well, that's just sad."  In this situation, she is not the sad one.

#3 - Don't try to surprise your date on the second date.  That gimmicky sketch comedy show a coworker told you about is not the right place to take your date when she was a theater major and knows most of the theatrical/acting community in town (and has never heard of the show or the people in it - not good).  You might be forgiven because you didn't know that about her (it being only your second date), but that's exactly why you shouldn't try to surprise her: the second date is not the right time to try to guess what a person you don't know might like.  You're probably going to be wrong.

#4 - When your date orders a drink - no matter what it is - don't lean weirdly over the table and say, "Every woman I know loves that drink. Why?" in an accusatory tone. I am not here to speak on behalf of my gender, and I'm pretty sure the only thing we truly all have in common are our vaginas.  Sit back in your chair and say to yourself, "Don't be a chauvinist on the first date."  Say it silently.

#5 - When your date uses a "big word," try to restrain yourself from saying, "There's a 50 cent word," every time. Maybe don't even say it the one time.  Just stop it. 

#6 - Don't ask your date the same question three different ways over the course of an hour.  "Tell me about yourself," "How would you describe yourself?" and "What do I need to know about you?" are - first of all - real conversation-starters, so good job on that, but also - secondly - don't make it seem like you remember my profile (which I know you viewed today, thanks to match/BigBrother) or any of our 5-6 exchanged e-mails in which you found out a lot about me beforehand.  Also, it's just obnoxious.

I think that's good for a start. I am sure I'll have more... probably a lot more.  Any to add, ladies?  I know there are more bad-date stories out there than we have room to blog about on here, lay 'em on us in the comments (or feel free to write your own post)!


  1. Man, I have a brilliant story to add in this here comment section....I'll be back, I promise!

  2. PMSL ive never been so happy to be married! Good Luck out there single ladies. Hope you all find your Edwards soon!

  3. HAHA that is just... wow! I met a guy the other night we exchanged numbers and I may have made out with him (hey what can I say he was really cute) anyway... to this guy I say: don't text the girl at 2 am a few days later and ask her about seeing each other again. #1-normal people are asleep at 2am on a weeknight bc they work for a living #2-this shows you're not really interested other than seeing each other naked (and that ain't gonna happen, I may be a h00r but I'm not a whore) #3-it's just a douchy move.

    This was my first 'single' encounter after (still sorta before but the break up was coming someone *cough not me* was avoiding it) an almost 8 year on again off again relationship. I'm not trading in one douche for another.

    We'll each find the right one eventually!

  4. Oh God :-( I can't even chuckle about this post, cuz I keep looking over my shoulder, wondering when/if this is likely to happen to me one day.

    I seriously hope not.

    MrCC and I have been together for over 20 years, married for 18.5 of them. When our #Things finally flee the nest permanently, I fear we will be in that space where we look at one another and say, "Whut?".

    Until that time, however, Imma continue to ward off the relationship-ghouls and attempt to keep smoothing MrCC's ego. I have a vested interest--clearly...

    Good luck bb. I wish I could offer more constructive assistance...

    CC x

  5. Um. Wow. I'll start by saying that I'm really proud of you for jumping back out there! I know it's scary, especially online dating sites. I know from experience that probably the only thing worse than anything you just described, is to have some asshat open a conversation by asking you what your bra size is, and whether or not you enjoy performing fellatio (I obviously cleaned that up a bit...I do have some tact, unlike some dickfaces). Yeah. No. And also...NO. Move along please.

    On a positive note, I also know from experience that there ARE some real gems out there just waiting for you to unearth them! You know I found a total winner on, fell stupidly in lurve, plan on getting hitched, and am happily knocked up with his love child. I wish the same for you my sweet! Maybe not quite in that order though... :)

    Don't give up!

  6. I *just* realized there are two number 3's. LOL

    Just wanted to pop by and let you all know the arrogant snow leopard asked me out on a second date. I said, "No, thank you." Poor guy thought that date went well.

    Kassie - I like your tip!!
    Everyone else - thanks for the support!! Love you h00rs!

  7. OK here I am with my story.

    So, I meet this guy online, first time, and at that point I had no idea of the golden rule about not sharing too much via emails before you meet - because then you don't have enough to talk about on the date, which can be awkward...

    Anyhoo. I was already in love with him in my head, you know, the usual, pictured marrying him, having his babies.... and then we meet. He's a loser. Like, with a capital L on his forehead.

    He told me how his nephew had the same grandparents on both sides, ie his maternal grandmother got it on with his paternal grandfather (who met because their children were dating) and now they're married. He didn't think this was weird at all. Oh, and that his siblings are in jail and that he is 'between jobs', and had been for some time.

    RUN, Amy, run! That was scary. I can't bear to relive it in more detail because I get cold shivers.

  8. I'm so late to this party. Sorry, yall. Kid wears me out!

    Erin, these are just plain funny. It's amazing to me that people don't know some basic rules of social interaction, never mind dating! I once had a date who, after prom or homecoming or whatever it was (I was like 16), attacked me in the limo on the way home and attempted to make out with me. I say 'attempted' because it looked like this: I literally had to keep wiping off my face. I didn't know how to tell him to stop without hurting his feelings, because everyone else in the limo was making out too.

    Oh, and a few years later, this same guy made a mixed CD for after prom. I'm certain that he thought he was going to score to that soundtrack. Let's just say that I had to contain a laugh when he popped in that CD and gave me The Look. He didn't get lucky with me that night (or, ever).