Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Don't Bank Like A Douche

Gather 'round children.  LwE is going to rant now and through it, you all may learn a thing or two.  Today, we are going to learn how to not bank like a douche.

Some of you know that I am a bank teller.  Others of you believe that I am a bounty hunter.  The first is true.  The second is the job I do in my imagination while I'm bank tellering and can't deal with all the doucheyness anymore.  So I'm going to complain about my most douchey banking pet peeves.  If you find that you are guilty of any of the banking douche-isms that I tell you about today, stop it! Immediately!  Or I will smack you upside your head.

#1. I am a bank teller, not your secretary.  No I can't photocopy your check, I will not fax your tax info to your accountant, I will not print anything you want on bank letter head with my teller stamp on it, and for the love of all that is holy, there is no friggin reason you should not be able to fill out your own deposit or withdrawal slip.  You really think it's that hard?  Here's a tip.  Where it says "Name" that's where you put your name.  If you are confused as to where to put your account number, it goes where it says "account number".  If this is confusing to you, then I suggest you get a Power of Attorny to handle your finances because if something that trivial is that complex to you then you are probably more suited for sitting in the corner with a coloring book than to make any decions regarding financial responsibility.

#2. This is not an acceptable way to present cash for deposit.

We at the bank do not have the cure for spina bifida so please don't subject your cash, deposit slips, withdrawal slips, or checks with the disease.  If you like crumpling paper so much, take up origami.

#3. If you want money and I ask for your ID, do not scoff at me and tell me how long you have been with the bank.  I don't give a rat's ass how long your accounts have been open. If I don't know you personally and you are taking money from your account or cashing a check, I need to know that you are who you say you are.  Fraud is a real thing and it happens to LOTS and LOTS of people.  I'm trying to protect YOUR money, sorry if that offends you.  Next time someone comes in claiming they are you and want to clean out your accounts I will remember your preferences and give them what they ask for with out question.  Does that suit you better, you douche?

#4.  If you walk in the bank, then stand waiting in the line, and then when you are called to the counter start to rummage through your pockets or purse for your deposit or checks to cash, then take forever to find them, unfold your poor spina bifida inflicted cash or documents, then ask for a pen to sign your checks and fill out your slips, you my friend, are a douche.  There is a special counter set up just for preparing your banking transactions.  It is such a magical place to visit because when you use it, it magicaly makes me want to punch you less.  The same thing goes for the drive up line.  If you have to wait for other cars in front of you, get your crap ready while waiting before you pull up.  Not rocket science.

#5. If you come to the drive up and you have no slips, no pen, nothing signed or filled out, then the drive up is not for you.  Get your ass inside and use the magical don't punch me counter and stop being a douche to the people behind you.  I find that people who complain about slow people in front of them are the most guilty of this douche-ism.  It's called karma, bitch.

#6. If your account is overdrawn, I did not spend your money and am not responsible for any monitary loss on your end.  Don't look at me all puzzled, demanding to know where your money went.  It's not my fault you can't do simple math or don't keep a check register because you point to your head and claim "It's all up here". 

#7. If your account is charged fees that you don't know about, 99% of the time it is your fault, not the banks.  Everyone knows that all banks charge fees and it is your resposibility to learn what the features of your account are.  Don't come screaming to me that you didn't know you had to keep a two hundred dollar minimum balance and you want your  two dollars back because no one ever told you about that rule.  Ask quesions about your account and how it works.  Suprisingly, we are happy to answer questions like this because it leaves you educated and makes you a better customer to deal with.  It's your money.  Don't you want to know how to keep it yours and not the banks'. 

#8. Don't get mad at me if I will not let you cash a check that is not made out to you, even if the payee signed the back.  I have no way of knowing if that person really did sign it, now do I?  The check says "Pay to the order of...". If your name isn't there, than that is not your check. I can again use the scenario where I agree to cash any check made out to you that is presented by anyone but you. 

#9. If you are cashing a check, do not fill out a deposit slip.  I will deposit your check if you do that, hence the term deposit slip.

#10. If you deposit a check for twenty thousand dollars that is not drawn on the bank you are depositing it into and want it available right away, you are a douche.  This is also true for wanting to cash checks of a substantial amount.  If you expect the banking system to work in a way that we give out large sums of instant cash on the honor system and don't use a check clearing process, this may be you:

#11. If the lights on the drive up are red and the bank door is locked, then yes, the bank is closed.  Knocking on the door and shouting through the glass "Are you open?" will not magically change our business hours.

#12. Do not call the bank to ask if we have a way of finding out if you have cashed a savings bond that you happen to have sitting right in front of you. <---true story.

#13. When presenting ID for a cash back transaction, a piece of paper with your account number written on it is not an acceptable form of ID.  Neither is your Sam's Club membership card.

#14. When presenting ID at the drive up and you are the driver of the vehicle and your ID is not a driver's license but just a state ID card, it scares the shit out of me.  Why the hell are you driving?!!

#15. Don't steal my pen!!

#16. Do not staple your cash and/or checks to your deposit slip.  This makes you an automatic douche.

#17. If you have a check that was made out to you and someone else, and you forge that other person's signature RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, don't get angry at me for not cashing the check.  Be angry at yourself for being a douche.

#18. Do not give me a certificate of store credit to Old Navy and try to cash it like a check. <-----again, sad, but very true story.

#19. When using the drive up, please do not close your car window and turn up your music after you have sent in your transaction.  This makes getting your attention impossible and holds the line up when I'm trying to tell you of the stupid mistake you made on your slip and can't do what you want. 

#20. If you are on your cell phone and approach my counter and hand me your transaction, and there is a problem with it or I have to ask you a question about what you want, do not shush me because you are on a call and can not be bothered.  It just so happens that I can not be bothered with you doucheyness.  Hang up before doing your banking.

That's all for now.  There are many more believe me, but I will save them for another time when my douche patience has once again worn thin.


  1. I do NONE of these - THANK GOODNESS!!

    I am sooo sorry that you are subjected to all of this. People are insane.

    As for the cell phone - I think I would have to take it way and either throw it or drop it in the trash. Gah!

  2. I don't do anything on your list except for asking for a deposit slip from the drive-thru lanes but my money is always ready and in order with the bills all facing the same way(OCD much!?!) and my checks signed. I just have to jot in my info... I'm just too lazy to get out of the car lol.

    My sister works at a bank and I hear all sorts of crazy stories from her. I don't think I could do that job without choking someone... seriously!

  3. OME, you just reminded me why I am so happy to no longer work in customer service.

    Trying to cash an old navy gc? Srsly? How friggin' stupid are people? Don't bother answering, I know they are ridiculously stupid.

    LMAO@ "There is a special counter set up just for preparing your banking transactions. It is such a magical place to visit because when you use it, it magicaly makes me want to punch you less."

    And I LOVE this bit of brilliance: "Next time someone comes in claiming they are you and want to clean out your accounts I will remember your preferences and give them what they ask for with out question. Does that suit you better, you douche?"


  4. Wait, you're not a bounty hunter? Shit, I told a few RL friends I knew a bounty hunter... ok, fine, you're not a bounty hunter, could you write a fic about one then? I'd like to read that one.

    I could never work in a bank, people are too stupid, I couldn't deal with them all day like that.

    To make my bank teller laugh, I like to put cool things in the memo line like "Services rendered ;)" or "sensual massage, uh hmm." They seem to enjoy it.

  5. @inotu: I had a young guy come to cash a check once. He used the drive up so I woulndn't have to really talk to him. He had a check that was from a friend I assume, cause there was only the name of one man on it, and the memo said sensaul massage. I tried real hard to laugh, and the customer looked a bit sheepish.

    @DD: If there was anyone who wouldn't do any of those things I knew it would be you. You put boy scouts to shame with your preparedness.

    @Kassie: I commend your banking OCD. We need more people like you.

    @Smitten: I envy that you no longer work in customer service.

  6. Bahaha I do some of these. But only like 2. Plus I know the girl who does my banking (she's engaged to my friend from elementary school/jr high/high school) so I don't give a shit. The only things on this list that I do is not fill out deposit slips every once in a while. Wait that's a lie. I do it but I don't write in my account number because I always forget it. Other than that, I'm not a douche banker. Maybe its because I've worked in customer service so much that I know how people act and which things NOT to do. Good thing you have Mini E to help you out at the bank. I'm sure he weeds out the douches a little, right? ;)

    I was thinking about whining about things people do at my work that bug me. I wrote one a long time ago at but I think another one needs to be done. :)

  7. Oh God! THIS is why I do 90% of my banking online and the rest via the ATM. I just don't *get* all the rules and prefer to stay as far removed from the mechanics of banking as possible.

    We don't have drive-thru banks where I live. Somehow that reminds me way too much of Maccy D's anyway, and I'd probably end up wanting to order a Big Mac n Fries on my way out.

    But I do feel for you LwE. I've done my fair share of working with customers and there comes a time when you're just 'burned out'. Thankfully, the only customers I work with now are 'internal' ones - and they're all douches anyway, so I'm never lulled into a false sense of security ;-)

    I'm kind of looking forward to your next whine. Kind of, cos it's entertaining, but kind of not, cos it'll mean you've reached your limit of douchiness...

    CC x

  8. Wow and I thought if I ever 'visited' you at work I would just let my Edward doll fall out of my purse as I pulled out my deposit slips to see your reaction but these sound way more fun! :) Working with the general public is always challenging!

    I'm a pretty efficient banker, I think. When the tellers started the "Is there anything else I can do for you today Mrs. ATP" bit I decided to have fun with it sometimes so I might say, "Can you make it stop raining" or "Can you make sure it warms up for the weekend" and they just laugh and say they will see what they can do. Though I wouldn't mind if I could order up a cup of coffee at the bank--kill two birds with one debit card. :)

    But I will say that the tellers at one of the banks I go to loves when I come in with mini because she always wears a little hat in and then askes them so politely for a lollipop. They see her and say, "there's our little friend."

  9. Bahahaa! I love "be angry at yourself for being a douche." LOL

    I do most of my banking online or at the ATM, so I think I'm not a douche. (Phew! Aren't you relieved? I know I am.) But after working in customer service, as some of the others have said, I do try my hardest to at least be apologetic when I'm an inadvertent asshole.

    Sorry people are dicks, hun. This does make me want to whine about work, though, too... :) We all have our struggles, I guess. I wish there were a (well-paying) job that involved reading fan fic... *sigh*

  10. @CC: People ask for all kinds of things at the drive thru and I just smile and giggle, then I turn off the microphone and mumble to myself, "what a douche."

    @TT: Your little one wouldn't like coming to our bank. We don't have lollipops. There isn't enough room for them in our monthly supply buget. A box of lollipops is....wait for it....$100!

    @MB: If there was a well paying job that involved reading fan fic, they probably wouldn't hire me. I'm over qualified.

  11. @Jaymes: Mini E is what gets me through the day. I have him out at all times. He's actually become an important part of the bank. When I have a douche customer I just look at him and giggle, cause that's what he makes me do.

  12. LOL!! I love #2. Has anyone ever given you money made into a ring or whatever? When my mom waitressed she'd get some customers who'd leave a tip of a dollar bill made into a ring.

    No, do not do this at the bank, Douche!

  13. I would like to cosign this please. All of this.
    I actually faked a handicap once to not have to carry someones crate full of rolled coins. I'm not particularly proud of that moment...

  14. @rottymama: Never that but I have gotten stacks of cash that have been made leaves on those money trees. It looks like lasagna noodles made out of money.

    @Mrs.P: That was a good idea. I'm starting to think that perhaps I should fake my death.

  15. I rarely go through the drive through, but when I do, I like to leave the tunes on so the people inside the bank can rock out too!

    Actually I do most of my banking at the ATM inside the ACME. I won't be bothering you LwE.

  16. Very entertaining. Thankfully, I don't do any of those things, so we're still good. I can't believe someone actually gave you an Old Navy gift certificate. I mean, what kind of a moron do you have to be to do that? I would've loved to have seen/heard your reaction.

    I got something unrelated to say though: that guy in the picture, with his head up his ass, I could swear that's the guy from my whine post. Either that, or it's his identical twin. :D