Gather 'round children. LwE is going to rant now and through it, you all may learn a thing or two. Today, we are going to learn how to not bank like a douche.
Some of you know that I am a bank teller. Others of you believe that I am a bounty hunter. The first is true. The second is the job I do in my imagination while I'm bank tellering and can't deal with all the doucheyness anymore. So I'm going to complain about my most douchey banking pet peeves. If you find that you are guilty of any of the banking douche-isms that I tell you about today, stop it! Immediately! Or I will smack you upside your head.
#1. I am a bank teller, not your secretary. No I can't photocopy your check, I will not fax your tax info to your accountant, I will not print anything you want on bank letter head with my teller stamp on it, and for the love of all that is holy, there is no friggin reason you should not be able to fill out your own deposit or withdrawal slip. You really think it's that hard? Here's a tip. Where it says "Name" that's where you put your name. If you are confused as to where to put your account number, it goes where it says "account number". If this is confusing to you, then I suggest you get a Power of Attorny to handle your finances because if something that trivial is that complex to you then you are probably more suited for sitting in the corner with a coloring book than to make any decions regarding financial responsibility.
#2. This is not an acceptable way to present cash for deposit.
We at the bank do not have the cure for spina bifida so please don't subject your cash, deposit slips, withdrawal slips, or checks with the disease. If you like crumpling paper so much, take up origami.
#3. If you want money and I ask for your ID, do not scoff at me and tell me how long you have been with the bank. I don't give a rat's ass how long your accounts have been open. If I don't know you personally and you are taking money from your account or cashing a check, I need to know that you are who you say you are. Fraud is a real thing and it happens to LOTS and LOTS of people. I'm trying to protect YOUR money, sorry if that offends you. Next time someone comes in claiming they are you and want to clean out your accounts I will remember your preferences and give them what they ask for with out question. Does that suit you better, you douche?
#4. If you walk in the bank, then stand waiting in the line, and then when you are called to the counter start to rummage through your pockets or purse for your deposit or checks to cash, then take forever to find them, unfold your poor spina bifida inflicted cash or documents, then ask for a pen to sign your checks and fill out your slips, you my friend, are a douche. There is a special counter set up just for preparing your banking transactions. It is such a magical place to visit because when you use it, it magicaly makes me want to punch you less. The same thing goes for the drive up line. If you have to wait for other cars in front of you, get your crap ready while waiting before you pull up. Not rocket science.
#5. If you come to the drive up and you have no slips, no pen, nothing signed or filled out, then the drive up is not for you. Get your ass inside and use the magical don't punch me counter and stop being a douche to the people behind you. I find that people who complain about slow people in front of them are the most guilty of this douche-ism. It's called karma, bitch.
#6. If your account is overdrawn, I did not spend your money and am not responsible for any monitary loss on your end. Don't look at me all puzzled, demanding to know where your money went. It's not my fault you can't do simple math or don't keep a check register because you point to your head and claim "It's all up here".
#7. If your account is charged fees that you don't know about, 99% of the time it is your fault, not the banks. Everyone knows that all banks charge fees and it is your resposibility to learn what the features of your account are. Don't come screaming to me that you didn't know you had to keep a two hundred dollar minimum balance and you want your two dollars back because no one ever told you about that rule. Ask quesions about your account and how it works. Suprisingly, we are happy to answer questions like this because it leaves you educated and makes you a better customer to deal with. It's your money. Don't you want to know how to keep it yours and not the banks'.
#8. Don't get mad at me if I will not let you cash a check that is not made out to you, even if the payee signed the back. I have no way of knowing if that person really did sign it, now do I? The check says "Pay to the order of...". If your name isn't there, than that is not your check. I can again use the scenario where I agree to cash any check made out to you that is presented by anyone but you.
#9. If you are cashing a check, do not fill out a deposit slip. I will deposit your check if you do that, hence the term deposit slip.
#10. If you deposit a check for twenty thousand dollars that is not drawn on the bank you are depositing it into and want it available right away, you are a douche. This is also true for wanting to cash checks of a substantial amount. If you expect the banking system to work in a way that we give out large sums of instant cash on the honor system and don't use a check clearing process, this may be you:
#11. If the lights on the drive up are red and the bank door is locked, then yes, the bank is closed. Knocking on the door and shouting through the glass "Are you open?" will not magically change our business hours.
#12. Do not call the bank to ask if we have a way of finding out if you have cashed a savings bond that you happen to have sitting right in front of you. <---true story.
#13. When presenting ID for a cash back transaction, a piece of paper with your account number written on it is not an acceptable form of ID. Neither is your Sam's Club membership card.
#14. When presenting ID at the drive up and you are the driver of the vehicle and your ID is not a driver's license but just a state ID card, it scares the shit out of me. Why the hell are you driving?!!
#15. Don't steal my pen!!
#16. Do not staple your cash and/or checks to your deposit slip. This makes you an automatic douche.
#17. If you have a check that was made out to you and someone else, and you forge that other person's signature RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, don't get angry at me for not cashing the check. Be angry at yourself for being a douche.
#18. Do not give me a certificate of store credit to Old Navy and try to cash it like a check. <-----again, sad, but very true story.
#19. When using the drive up, please do not close your car window and turn up your music after you have sent in your transaction. This makes getting your attention impossible and holds the line up when I'm trying to tell you of the stupid mistake you made on your slip and can't do what you want.
#20. If you are on your cell phone and approach my counter and hand me your transaction, and there is a problem with it or I have to ask you a question about what you want, do not shush me because you are on a call and can not be bothered. It just so happens that I can not be bothered with you doucheyness. Hang up before doing your banking.
That's all for now. There are many more believe me, but I will save them for another time when my douche patience has once again worn thin.