I’ll start this rant by saying I always wanted to be a Mommy…or so I thought. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids and can’t imagine my life without them blah blah blah. Seriously. Then why do I find myself so unsatisfied and unfulfilled as a Mother?
Is it possibly because it’s an almost entirely thankless job? Maybe it’s because I’ve grown tired of changing poopy diapers (which I have been doing for over 8 years straight now)? Perhaps it’s because there is always something more to do and the “job” itself is never done? All are possible answers, but I think more to the heart of the matter is that regardless of the fact that I have always seen myself as a mother, I find myself actually HATING this position. Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time…probably more time than is normal.
See the smile on her face? It's because she's heavily sedated.
I’ve come to discover that I possess very little maternal instinct. My patience is wavering at best, downright non-existent at worst. I struggle with performing the most mundane tasks repeatedly only to watch all the hard work I do get undone right before my eyes. Just about every day my 3 year old pushes me to the point of homicide. I swear to all that is fucking sane, I have actually sympathized with women who have drowned their kids in the bathtub! I’ve thought “ Yeah…I could totally see how that would be a rational idea in a moment of extreme stress.” Not that I would ever do that. Hopefully. At least if it ever comes to that, this post may come in handy if I’m on the witness stand. Just kidding! Probably…
This is what I look like most days.
I have been a stay at home Mom for over 3 years now, and I find myself longing for life outside my family. I miss the sense of independence and the pride which comes with bringing home a paycheck. I have always liked working outside the home and if it weren’t for the fact that it would actually COST me money to have a job that required me to leave the house, I would be out there again quicker than a crack whore picking up the pipe. Trust. But, would that actually make me happier and more satisfied as a person? Would it make me a better Mother? Would I be blissfully rewarded with a more well rounded sense of self instead of feeling like I’m drowning in a sea of lost identity? My guess is no.
I think I suffer from “the grass is greener” syndrome. Ya know? Whatever I don’t have is always the most appealing thing, until I actually have it…and then I realize that I’ve made a huge mistake and become filled with regret? I can’t be a stay at home Mom and constantly yearn for a life outside these four walls because I’m fairly certain that as soon as I have that, I won’t be able to focus on anything except for the fact that I feel like I have failed my children and effectively qualify as the WORST. MOTHER. EVER. Yep. I’m fucked good and proper like.
I want what you have...I think.
Now, some of you are Mommies and can relate to some of what I’m spewing. Some of you aren’t Mommies (yet) and probably think I’m off my fucking nut right now. So, I’ll state again…I love my kids and no matter how frustrated I get, I wouldn’t wish them away for anything. But I do get really fed up with this bullshit from time to time! I wouldn’t be human otherwise, and anyone who tries to tell you that being a parent is always sunshine and rainbows is lying right out of their face.
On a side note: Thanks to MB for inviting me to word vomit all over this here blog. I heart her hard. A lot.
Be prepared for more whining in the future!