I’ll start this rant by saying I always wanted to be a Mommy…or so I thought. Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids and can’t imagine my life without them blah blah blah. Seriously. Then why do I find myself so unsatisfied and unfulfilled as a Mother?
Is it possibly because it’s an almost entirely thankless job? Maybe it’s because I’ve grown tired of changing poopy diapers (which I have been doing for over 8 years straight now)? Perhaps it’s because there is always something more to do and the “job” itself is never done? All are possible answers, but I think more to the heart of the matter is that regardless of the fact that I have always seen myself as a mother, I find myself actually HATING this position. Not all the time, but a fair amount of the time…probably more time than is normal.
See the smile on her face? It's because she's heavily sedated.
I’ve come to discover that I possess very little maternal instinct. My patience is wavering at best, downright non-existent at worst. I struggle with performing the most mundane tasks repeatedly only to watch all the hard work I do get undone right before my eyes. Just about every day my 3 year old pushes me to the point of homicide. I swear to all that is fucking sane, I have actually sympathized with women who have drowned their kids in the bathtub! I’ve thought “ Yeah…I could totally see how that would be a rational idea in a moment of extreme stress.” Not that I would ever do that. Hopefully. At least if it ever comes to that, this post may come in handy if I’m on the witness stand. Just kidding! Probably…
This is what I look like most days.
I have been a stay at home Mom for over 3 years now, and I find myself longing for life outside my family. I miss the sense of independence and the pride which comes with bringing home a paycheck. I have always liked working outside the home and if it weren’t for the fact that it would actually COST me money to have a job that required me to leave the house, I would be out there again quicker than a crack whore picking up the pipe. Trust. But, would that actually make me happier and more satisfied as a person? Would it make me a better Mother? Would I be blissfully rewarded with a more well rounded sense of self instead of feeling like I’m drowning in a sea of lost identity? My guess is no.
I think I suffer from “the grass is greener” syndrome. Ya know? Whatever I don’t have is always the most appealing thing, until I actually have it…and then I realize that I’ve made a huge mistake and become filled with regret? I can’t be a stay at home Mom and constantly yearn for a life outside these four walls because I’m fairly certain that as soon as I have that, I won’t be able to focus on anything except for the fact that I feel like I have failed my children and effectively qualify as the WORST. MOTHER. EVER. Yep. I’m fucked good and proper like.
I want what you have...I think.
Now, some of you are Mommies and can relate to some of what I’m spewing. Some of you aren’t Mommies (yet) and probably think I’m off my fucking nut right now. So, I’ll state again…I love my kids and no matter how frustrated I get, I wouldn’t wish them away for anything. But I do get really fed up with this bullshit from time to time! I wouldn’t be human otherwise, and anyone who tries to tell you that being a parent is always sunshine and rainbows is lying right out of their face.
On a side note: Thanks to MB for inviting me to word vomit all over this here blog. I heart her hard. A lot.
Be prepared for more whining in the future!
Xoxo
E
I in absolutely NO WAY mean that working mothers are failing their children! I realize I could have worded that differently. I just meant to illustrate my own internal struggle. I applaud mothers that sacrifice so much so that they can provide for their kids. I just needed to vent my frustrations! :)
ReplyDeleteYou can imagine me as the other lady in that cartoon - I was *just* writing a post about hating work. LOL - your grass is greener than mine, I'm sure of it!
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the blog!
I could so easily have written this post (minus the SAHM bits). I loved pregnancy, but find I have little talent or patience for motherhood. And a whole shitload of guilt because of it!!
ReplyDeleteIt IS a thankless, neverending job. And until you become a parent it's impossible to understand how someone could shake a child to death. I get it now. Parenting is that frustrating!
I am also one who always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. What I've concluded about myself is that I've never been a goal setter. I just sort of ended up where I am without conscious choice. And I'm not happy about it. But how does one make significant changes when you've got kids, a mortgage and all the bills that go along with it?
I'm not a mom but I know what the thankless never ending job of a stay at home mom is. For the past over 6 years I have been a nanny (I'm just glorifying my job as a babysitter). My best friend moved in with us after she had her first kid. When she went to work during the day I stayed at home taking care of the baby then go to school at night. I would spend my days playing games, trying to keep the toys somewhat organized, changing dirty diapers, and feeding a finicky eater. That was just under 7 years ago, today I still watch her kids when she works they are 6 3/4 and 5. I also watch my cousins 5 & 2 at the least 1 day a week at the most 3-4. I am sick to death of cleaning just to have it undone when nap time is over (by the time I get home I'm so sick of cleaning that I just let my bedroom go, it could really use a good scrubbing but I. Just. Can't.). I am sick to death of dirty diapers. At this point I don't think I ever want kids... I think I've had my fair share of the responsibilities of mommyhood and frankly I don't think I could take much more. I definitely miss the workplace and can only hope I can find work quickly so I can leave this other job behind... so far behind I may never want to see it again.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a pretty common issue for all women. Be a Mom, don't be a Mom, stay at home, don't stay at home... I would like to think that I am lucky and I knew from a very early age that I did not want to be a mother. I really only had one thought while reading and it was perhaps finding a counselor or therapist could help. Talking things out with an impartial party can be very gratifying. Good job on doing all that you do.
ReplyDelete@MB Really? I was sure the grass was greener on your side...hmmph. Maybe I need to get my eyes checked. ;)
ReplyDelete@Smitten Thank Grilled Cheezus you understand, and agree! I was ready to be lynched. I also floved being the pregnant (until the yucky ending part) and have found that actually having a kid outside the womb is much more than I bargained for. A lot more is involved than what I can say in one measly post, but suffice it to say...I sometimes want a do-over! I am right there with ya on navigating the obstacle course of bills, a house, and all the other such thangs that eat us up. I dunno...I just keep on truckin', but fuel is fecking expensive!
@TheonlyMrs(Kassie)Cullen...I'm gonna have to call you Kassie...I can't type that full shit. ;)
You are right on and exactly just lucky enough to see the actuality of having a child, without having to own one yourself! I understand why you would re-think such an endeavor, and I think you're absolutely right to do so. Own yourself and do what you set out to before you become completely responsible for another human being. Good girl!
@DD Yes, very common. I know I'm not alone and I have actually been in therapy for a while now. I'm sure that's shocking! It is good to get things off my chest to an impartial sounding board, and I get a lot of insight into why I think and do the things I do. I'm glad that you made a firm decision on parenthood before it was too late...I am not a person who believes that just because one has a uterus they need to be fruitful and populate the world. I know that not every woman was meant to be a mother, every man a father, and so forth...just to seek out our own individual calling is a big enough task! Thank you for the pat on the back, you deserve one as well. :)
Believe me I feel ya. My kids are 6 and 8 so I no longer have any diapers to change (thank all that is holy for that cuz that job gets old, fast). And while I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything it is the hardest, most thankless and still rewarding enough job to continue doing it. Besides once you've started you can't quit, so you might as well enjoy it, at least some of the time.
ReplyDeleteI stayed home at first then worked part time until last fall I found that my pt job actually encompassed 50 hours a week, which left very little time to mother, hell I was barely breathing much less mothering. So I quit. Cold Turkey. I'm beginning to remember why I started working in the first place, but i'm not looking back. I can't tell you how many times I've cleaned the floor this week alone just to watch someone (the kids, the dogs, the husband) track mud all theough the house again. Note, if I do it I don't mind, it's my clean floor to muddy, right?
On the bright side, the kids do eventually get out of diapers and go off to school the better part of the day. Question is, how will you get through the next couple of years? One. Day. At. A. Time.
Now that I'm home again and the kids are usually off at school (minus the million snow days this winter and a couple of illnesses) I am spending my time writing--when i'm not sick like I am this week, ugh. My kids are so good at sharing their colds.
I have no kiddos but I applaud those of you who do. When people say "oh she's just a stay at home mom?" about others, I think they must be delusional because they have no idea how hard it must be.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure things will get easier eventually. And until they do, there's always valium! ;)
I'd just like to say that I have failed my children :-( I was off work for 63 weeks after Thing1 was born (we had pretty amazing maternity rights where I worked), then I was off work for 63 weeks after Thing2's birth. But then I had to return to work.
ReplyDeleteAt first, I worked part-time, but when my hubs was made redundant from his workplace, I returned to full-time work (Thing2 was 4 at the time) and I've worked full-time ever since.
I've hated every minute of working full-time since having children. You're constantly pulled in every direction and never feel as though you're actually achieving anything, other than being a total work-horse. Oh, and then there's the personal care, housework and the wifely duties to fit in. Guess what slips first?
The good news is that my boys are now teenagers, and are well-rounded individuals (on the whole). I've grown accustomed to the house being 'not quite as clean as I'd like it' and most would say we live a pretty comfortable lifestyle. Hell, since I've started reading fanfic, I've even redeveloped a healthy interest in sex!
But, would I change anything? Yes, I would. I would have not listened to my biological clock all those years ago and gone travelling the world with my hubs. Who knows, we could have been living in the States by now! And one thing's for certain - I'd have made sure I looked after my body (and mind) more! (Makes mental note to book hairdressing appointment).
You're not alone babe. Welcome to our whiney team!
CC x
@inotu - Clean floor? Pffft. Somedays I don't even bother...
ReplyDeleteI love how you stated it's not as bad when you make the mess! I understand completely, mostly because I know I'm the one who's gonna clean it. I do have moments of ruhtard where I'll walk into a ginormous mess and I'm all like "Who's gonna clean this up??!!" Yeah...still me. Beh.
@Jaymes805 - Thanks for the encouragement! You don't have to have kids to be able to relate to feeling frustrated with your lot in life. Now....where's that valium...??? :)
@Chloe Cougar - I flurve that you call your kids 'Thing 1 and Thing 2. That is frequently what I refer to mine as! It's good to know that not only am I not crazy, I'm not alone!
Cheers ladies! xo
You know I just had a conversation with myself recently about how women a few generations back were groomed to be wives and mothers and probably made better mothers than I feel I will ever be. I have a good mother but was great at doing my schoolwork and being out and about with other activities and projects so above-stated grooming didn't really happen.
ReplyDeleteThere is something about our generation in that we were brought up to achieve--sent to college to learn and get a degree that when you are at a point where you are not working but taking on full mother/wife roles that we feel like we aren't achieving anything, especially when what little we can achieve becomes undone so quickly.