Monday, September 26, 2011

Don't Ex Like a Douche

Today would have been my third wedding anniversary. Instead, it's almost my three-week divorciversary (which word I just made up, you're welcome).  My ex being the douche that he is, I kept expecting to hear from him, and as I left work, I congratulated him in my head for finally getting a clue.  Last time I saw him, he mentioned that he had no other way of contacting me besides e-mail - my response was along the lines of: "That's correct."

Of course, when I got home, I noticed an e-mail had come through. He wanted me to know he's thinking of me and he hopes we can get together for dinner sometime.

Well, here's what I think.  He's not thinking of me.  He's thinking ABOUT me.  If he was truly thinking of me, he wouldn't call, write, or send smoke signals, because he would know that I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM.  I have been pleasant and civil, but clear about this. Get your shit out of my house and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.  Shit? It's out of my house. So: we're done. That's it. Try not to fuck anyone else in your life over the way you did me. Mmkaythanksbainow.

Also, maybe he should have thought about me 8 months ago or before whenever it is that he began his affair.  That would have been a good fucking time to think about me, wouldn't you say?

So, no, I don't want to get together for dinner. I thought that was one of the benefits of getting divorced: so that we wouldn't have to have dinner together ever again.  But I can see how he might make this mistake - I've been polite to him.  I thought it might help if we compiled a how-to for exes: How to NOT Ex Like a Douche.

- If your ex has changed her phone number and blocked you on facebook, she probably doesn't want to hear from you. She definitely doesn't want to have a meal with you. Take a hint.

- If you're planning to tell people the reason you left was because you "needed some space," don't move back in with your parents.

- Clearing your crap out of your ex's house? Don't make yourself at home.

- Offered a glass of water by your ex while signing divorce papers? Don't say no and then get one yourself when she's out of the room. Again, this is making yourself at home. Don't. You don't live here anymore.

- Did you have an affair? Your ex doesn't want to hear about the fight you're now having with the other woman.  File that under G for Go Fuck Yourself.

- Living with your parents during separation? Your ex also doesn't want to hear about how overbearing they're being. Try to keep your story straight - didn't you leave to get "space?"

- Your ex is not going to feel sorry for you when you were the one who left her. She's going to realize how much more awesome her life is without your lying, cheating, lame ass, and she's going to move on. Deal with it.

That's all I can think of - but even if you haven't been divorced, I know you all have some tips. Let's hear them!
Also, who wants to get me one of these?

"I guess I just lost my husband
I don't know where he went
So I'm gonna drink my money
I'm not gonna pay his rent (Nope)


So, so what?
I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm havin' more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you

I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool, so
So what?
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight..."

~ P!nk "So What"


  1. Nice post. Very educational. Those are very douchy exisms. In just 2 days we can all be together where he won't even have to thought of!

  2. One word. WANKER. The End. *toasts you*

  3. I am so glad you chose to divorce him and move on. He has so much to work out and it doesn't sound like he is at all. I hope you might be getting help though. It is a really great thing to have someone to talk to that is not involved and can help you work through things.

  4. Gahhh! I picked this up while on my (awesomesauce) travels, and never got round to posting my two-penneth-worth.

    So here it is: I echo TwiKiwiFifty. He is a tosser of the highest order and he deserves to ache and burn for longer than anyone can imagine.

    Jeez! Who breeds this kind of crap? Count yourself lucky, hun, that you never went down that route with him. And, for the record, your rendition of 'You Oughtta Know' at the Elks Lodge was my all-time-fave cover of that song.

    Be strong bb - and when you're not feeling that way - SHOUT! We're right here, ready for you!

    CC xx